Your god doesn't have the answers either. The lab results are in amigo - what's left to Christian Ponder? — Your god doesn't have the answers either. The lab results are in amigo - what's left to Christian Ponder?

1) Why do I feel so bad for Eli Manning whenever he is losing? I'm a Lions fan, and he's made millions en route to two Super Bowls victories...it doesn't make any sense.

Hey Eli, Eeyore called. He said hang in their bud, and to give you a hug from Snuffleupagus.

Ohhhhh, right...he looks soooooo fucking genuinely sad when he's losing. But he's hosted Saturday Night Live, and he hasn't even suffered any notable family tragedies...his older brother Cooper having his football potential dashed by a torn ACL is rock bottom for the Mannings. And facial expressions alone shouldn't have that much influence. My control for this experiment involving the emotions ELIicited by watching the youngest Manning lose, is this picture of him watching his older brother Peyton win his second Super Bowl ring, while surrounded by his loving family:

My experience watching Eli Manning lose feels kind of like watching Bobby Kennedy walk off the stage after giving his last speech, minus all the tragedy and sacrifice. I guess when your GOAT QB older brother Peyton is also the uncontested Funniest Republican in America, who rubs elbows with likes of Papa John himself, that makes Eli and his sadness relatable. As Rob Lowe said, "Peyton Manning is the Tom Brady of commercials." And Eli's facial expressions after a win are remarkably similar, but that sense of pain is absent. It's like he never even wanted to play football, but we as NFL fans decided his fate from birth.

2) What as I talking about again? Oh yeah...How Exactly Do Kris Bryant's Eyes Erase Short Term Memory?

WAIT!!! Now I remember...the galaxy is in Nolan Ryan's belt!!!

[REDACTED]

3) What was the red substance on Curt Schilling's sock in GM 6 the 2004 ALCS?

Fact: Curt Schilling got surgery on his ankle that allowed him to pitch GM 6 - 7 IP, 1 ER.

Fact: Curt Schilling is the Mel Gibson of Major League Baseball. A martyr without a cause. At least, not a cause of his own. You can't be a martyr with your own cause if your contribution to the human race is a net negative. But that doesn't mean you can't play one on TV using some special effects.

Schilling's Twitter handle is @gehrig38. As in Lou Gehrig, the Yankee they named a terminal disease after. He has been fired (ESPN) and hired (Breitbart) as a direct result of his far right views, or more specifically, the response he got on Twitter for making those views known. Eeeeeverything he's ever done while not standing on a pitcher's mound is another reason to cast doubt on his body's physiological response to pitching with fresh stitches.

On the one hand...

Based on this picture he casually Tweeted years later, I could see blood coming out of there. Out of his eyes, out of his ankle, out of his wherever...like the blond on Fox News.

On the other hand, a surgery picture is the most SFW image ever to come from the @gehrig38 Twitter account. Everything else Schilling Tweets trends closer to lynching journalists. Not to mention that he lost $75MIL in Rhode Island state government funds on his failed video game development company, then acted like he'd taught everyone a valuable lesson in government involvement with the private sector while he lied to employees about why they hadn't been receiving their paychecks.

Now this science skeptic says he's running for US Senate against Elizabeth Warren in Massachusetts, birthplace of the witch hunt. Maybe Mel Gibson will remake The Crucible with some re-writes about how Daniel Day Lewis' character was pressed to death refusing to admit he was a scientist, in order to preserve his good name.

4) The difference between Encroachment, Neutral Zone Infraction, and Offsides in the NFL.

This isn't even a question of science. This should be settled by a quick graphic depicting each call, accompanied by a citation from the rule book of specific rule violation being shown. Problem is, when you open the graphic, the accompanying rule book citation autotranslates to an Asian language. I can't even tell which language it is, much less read the rule explanation. I think Google is in on this one - it may go all the way to the top of the NSA. In fact, if you know how to forward this to Anonymous, please do.

And the blizzard of 2017 gave us "The Snowden Game".

5) What brand of cigarettes does Jay Cutler smoke?

We don't even know whether or not it's menthol.

Which begs the question, what would Jay Cutler dip his Arby's curly fries in? It's GOOD MOOD FOOD, Jay. What's your deal?

They hate ketchup in Chicago. But Jay would do it for spite, 100%.

Does his diabetes come into consideration, or does Jay apply his anti-vaxxer, reality show wife's more skeptical view of medical science when it comes to dipping sauce?

Of course we all know these are existential riddles, beyond the realm of science. Like Schrodinger's Cat, and determining the legitimacy of steroid era hitting records...while considering the pitchers were all doing it too.