Aug 24

Aug 24 Submission to DEADSPIN'S "WYTS 2017 - Detroit Lions Edition"

----

From: Eric Posthumus <eric_posthumus@yahoo.com>
To: "drew@deadspin.com" <drew@deadspin.com>
Cc: Matthew Byrne <swinkmibby@yahoo.com>
Sent: Wednesday, August 9, 2017 4:49 AM8
Subject: 2017 WYTS: DETROIT LIONS (Amended w/ proper formatting)

Sorry for the multiple emails. I figured the less work I put on you, the more likely I'll be able to sneak into WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS 2017: DETROIT LIONS

(This is the last one, I swear! Please disregard the first two like they were Matt Millen draft picks.)

----

Dear Drew,

I love your work! And I'm not just saying that because I missed the WYTS submission deadline for the second year in a row. I hope it's not too late...and that this format works for you...and that Deadspin can publish my visual AIDS if you want to use them! Please note that mine is the only face appearing below who isn't a public figure.

Keep up the great work!

-----

START
----

Without Calvin Johnson, the Lions offense will be as toothless as Aretha Franklin serenading herself with the national anthem. Sources close to Calvin say those four and a half minutes took a real toll on his brain before last year's home Vikings matchup, and it changed his whole perspective on shit.

I WANT A MAN WITH A STRA-HAN, LIKE ME...

-----

Google "Mooch" in 2 years, who shows up first? The original. Book it.

But seriously, White House Communications Director is the only job that turns over faster than Lions Head Coach, just ask Mooch!

"I've seen Matthew Stafford throw a football through a tire. The guy has ice cold sweet tea running through his veins, OK? I've been to a few parties at his house, if you know what I mean. Look at me. Look. I'm talking like this."

BREAKING - Anonymous White House source leaks report that Mooch is in negotiations to join the John Fox News Network as an analyst.

----

My dear friend Paul pounced on the rights to jimschwartzfistpump.com in 2010.

He thought it was a sure thing, a .url that would certainly see an increase in demand and value within a couple of years. At that point it's just about getting out in front of the trend. Savvy move, Paul. You Aced it.. — He thought it was a sure thing, a .url that would certainly see an increase in demand and value within a couple of years. At that point it's just about getting out in front of the trend. Savvy move, Paul. You Aced it..

That's it! Hansen is Einhorn. Einhorn is Hansen...and subsequently our franchise MVP from 1999 to 2009.

-----

Dagger, 2015

[Those are Dallas Cowboy Sheriff Stars, for the record. Also, there is no God.]

Dagger, 2015 #2

----

Lastly, I found photographic evidence to corroborate the bowling alley owner's story I mentioned in last year's WYTS:

"The guy who runs the bowling alley where the Lions have their Halloween party every year said that after Tatum Bell stole newly signed RB Rudi Johnson’s luggage, Roy Williams dressed up as a Tatum Bell Hop for the party."

Aaaand then here is a shot from the same bowling alley Halloween party...of Jon Kitna and hiswife...dressed as Lions Defensive Line Coach Joe Cullen and Wendy...following Lions DefensiveLine Coach Joe Cullen's arrest...for swiiiingin' by a Wendy's drive-thru...ass naked.